Anger is a strange emotion to me
And what this has cost me
I'm sitting at a coffee shop as I watch a little girl, about 3 years old, playing with a toy kitchen.
She sits on a little bench, role-playing as a cashier who sells meals and plastic vegetables. Her brother, only a few years older, is by her side, doing his own thing.
When I least expect, I see her brother suddenly reach over and snatch the plastic carrot from her hand.
In a flash, she shouts.
With fierceness and fire in her eyes, she pulls back the plastic carrot from him, with the attitude and expression of one who says, "No, you won't invade my space."
As I watched her instant reaction, I found myself surprised by the first thought that popped into my mind:
"When did we stop doing that? When did I stop expressing anger?"
Anger is a strange emotion to me.
I have suppressed it my entire life.
It's not like I consciously reject it. I didn't even know what it looks like.
I even recall telling an uncle once:
"I never experience anger. It just doesn't affect me that way. I think I always tend to see where people are coming from and develop compassion instead."
I used to think I was some kind of enlightened being. So "evolved".
Well, the reality is harsh, and the truth is kind of the opposite.
I wasn't an evolved human being, I was a hurt one.
I didn't know at that time, but my inability to feel anger wasn't a sign of spiritual evolution.
Rather, it was a coping mechanism, an emotional suppression that was silently and potentially damaging my health and relationships.
I was also unaware of the fact that one's difficulty with accessing anger is directly related to tendencies of:
Conflict avoidance
People-pleasing, and;
An inability to say "no" and set boundaries.
Anger is our ability to say enough.
But what is anger actually?
We generally think of anger in terms of blind rage, outbursts, resentment, spite or venom.
But these are actually resultant from suppressed healthy anger.
Healthy anger is a response of the moment.
It's not something we let simmer inside us over time, poisoning ourselves.
Instead, it helps us set boundaries and communicate "no" to protect our integrity.
Anger in its natural, healthy form is a boundary defense.
It's an essential part of our system—essential for survival—whose function is to protect our integrity, both physical and emotional.
Our brain is naturally wired with an anger circuit which is activated when we and our boundaries are threatened.
Isn't that so distinct from all the ideas associated with anger we absorb in our culture?
Anger as a feeling doesn't intend anyone harm
Note that anger is not something direct to a person.
“In its pure form it has no moral content, right or wrong - it just is, it's only “desire” a noble one: to maintain integrity and equilibrium.” - The myth of normal, Gabor Mate
Feeling anger is about being able to tell when:
You're in a vulnerable and hurtful position
Being able to articulate exactly what part of the situation feels wrong and;
Use that reformative energy to change things for the better.
For a long time, anger has been an alien emotion for me. And like any emotion we push under the rug, it ends up manifesting in toxic and destructive behavior toward ourselves and others.
What suppressed anger looks like?
Funny thing is that people who don't feel anger they are usually very nice people. (Read: Why good people get fucked and why I'm a nice person in recovery).
Those of us who struggle with feeling and expressing anger may show behaviors such as:
Crying and retreating when trying to get angry.
Never telling someone that we don't like what they're doing to us while being perceived as a calm and kind person.
Putting everyone else's needs before our own, and never voicing dissatisfaction within relationships.
Always being very understanding of others' behaviors and motivations—even when they hurt ourselves and our boundaries.
On the other hand, suppressed and unhealthy anger can also result in:
Passive-aggressive behavior
Stoked Resentment
Erupting in explosive outburst
Feeling depressed
What struck me about watching that little girl was how easily and quickly she expressed herself, saying that what happened was not okay.
Just five minutes later, she was back to enjoying herself and playing with her brother—now in a balanced dynamic.
So, if we're all naturally born with the capacity feel and express anger…
What has blocked some of us from tapping into this protection system?
The answer lies in adaptation.
Many of us likely grew up in environments where a child's messy, angry expressions weren't embraced or accepted.
We might have internalized that expressing our discontent would likely set ourselves apart from the love and attachment we so much needed in our earliest days. Maybe we were nurtured by ideas like:
Being a "good child" means always being nice and quiet
"This" family doesn't tolerate children throwing difficult moods and tantrums.
Expressing anger made us feel scared or threatened of being hurt by a caretaker figure
You know, adults who don't know how to regulate and connect with their own emotions will hardly allow their children to manifest frustration.
As we grow older, suppression is a natural and safer option when we don't have a history of people actually showing up and caring about what we needed or what we were feeling.
And when attachment—a vital need in our growth—was threatened.
Living in disconnection with anger means living in disconnection with ourselves
Our path to wholeness and authenticity is paved with developing the ability to feel all range of emotions - since each of them has a purpose and physical circuits in our bodies.
Anger's core message is a concise and potente NO, said forcefully as the moment demands.
Wherever we find ourselves tolerating or explaining away situations that persistently stress us, insisting that “it's not so bad” or “I can handle it” or “I don't want to make a fuss about it”, there is likely an opportunity to practice giving anger some space to emerge.
Even the admission that “I don't like this” or “I don't want this” can be a step forward.
Alain de Botton
Healthy anger is an expression of self-respect as it helps us to honor and protect our needs and boundaries. It allow us to live a more balanced and authentic life.
With love,
Nat
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