The Feminine and Masculine in Us
The integration for a fulfilled and authentic self
-5 min reading time-
Did I get ahead of myself?
Sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking that things we know are obvious to other people.
Guilty 👋
In the last issue, I wrote about what women got wrong about feminism, where I explored the theme through the perspective of polarity (feminine and masculine energies). I received some feedback despite mentioning these concepts, I didn't explain them in the first place! Which may have caused confusion to some of you.
This is a topic I became very passionate about and I'm more than happy to break it down for you.
Shall we?
First considerations
The way I like to approach the theme of polarity is to use it as an angle, a different language to understand and discuss the same things I've been discussing so far; the relationship with oneself, and the relationship with others. I don't subscribe to the idea of "this theory" vs. "that theory". I believe that different approaches, theories, and philosophies are just different angles we can use to explore the same truth.
Personally, the approach of feminine and masculine polarity gave me the clarity and language I needed to assemble pieces I've collected over the years from various branches of psychology. It provided me with a framework that helped me understand myself and my past relationships more clearly than ever before.
We can use the polarity to understand both the dynamics within ourselves, and in our relationships. Today, I will focus on how the feminine and masculine energies are expressed in the self. I will leave the dynamics in relationships for the next issue.
From the Beginning - The TAO
The Tao is a fundamental and profound concept in Chinese philosophy. It can be translated as “the Way”. It represents the natural order or cosmic law that guides the unfolding of the universe.
You've likely heard the terms "Yin and Yang" and have seen the symbol, a circle divided into black and white halves, each containing a smaller circle of the opposite color. This symbol and concept embodies the unity of opposites and the harmony of complementary forces and energies: Ying (feminine) and Yang (masculine).
According to the TAO, everything in the universe is comprised of these two energies, from a single cell, to us as individuals, and the entire universe. One cannot exist without the other. It's the constant interaction of these two poles that makes the universe evolve and develop.
The laws of nature aim for constant harmony and balance. Nothing in the universe is inherently broken. When something appears to be, it is typically a compensation mechanism generated in attempt to fix the imbalance. Compensation rarely creates harmony.
Dease and dysfunction happens when things get out of balance. When we do our best to bring awareness to our energies and dynamics, we stop unconsciously compensating.
Understanding this invisible dynamic of life, can help you live more authentically, understand yourself better, and wildly improve relationships.
The feminine and masculine energies approach, can also be seen in the hindu philosophy, expressed through the gods Shiva and Shakti. And it can also be studied in analytical psychology through the concept of animus and anima. In essence, it's all the same, just a different language.
Ying and Yang - The Feminine and the Masculine in us
First, you have to understand: feminine and masculine are NOT about gender, orientation or looks. All individuals have the feminine (ying) and masculine (yang) within us. When they are integrated within us, we flourish. When they are not integrated, we experience dysfunction.
We could say that, in the self:
The feminine energy (yin) is associated with qualities of the soul or the heart, as a state, the feminine is about being and receiving. It is also about creativity, nurturing oneself and life. It is how we embrace and care for the inner child in us.
For example, the feminine in us can be represented through qualities such as:
Acceptance
Love/compassion/empathy
Emotional intelligence (access to emotions)
Connection to our body and feelings
Intuition and our connection to spirituality (connection with the universe - oneness)
Creativity
Our ability to manifest
Relaxation
Beauty, pleasure and senses
Trust, confidence in oneself, and self-assurance
Abundant view of the world
Capacity to be flexible
The feminine in us is our ability to feel and experience life - it is the complete expression and acceptance of all life.
The masculine (yang) is associated with qualities of the mind. As a state, the masculine is about doing (action) and giving. The masculine in us is all about how we relate to the external world.
For example, it can be represented through qualities such as:
Intelect - mental energy
Action
Clarity
Structure
Logic
Discipline
Protection
Force, strength
Cooperation
Responsibility
Boundaries - yes and no
Discerning - right application
Assertiveness
The feminine's purpose is to create life. The masculine's purpose is to understand it. Yang, or masculine energy, is associated with outwardly directed qualities, while Yin, or feminine energy, is associated with inwardly directed qualities.
When we discuss feminine and masculine energy within ourselves, we aim for the integration of these two energies. As you may have noticed, neither is superior or better than the other; they are complementary and both necessary for a fulfilling life. Together, they form a whole.
When we are too immersed in our masculine aspect, neglecting to cultivate the feminine within us, we disconnect from ourselves and become ungrounded. We may live too much in our heads, or for "the world", focused on doing what we assume is expected of us (on a unconscious level). This indicates that we're out of touch with our body and feelings; needs, pain, and joy. We forget to nourish and care for the inner child within us, leading to self-abandonment. This can make it difficult for us to feel at ease and experience joy and pleasure in life.
When we are too immersed in our feminine aspect, neglecting to cultivate the masculine within us, we may struggle to progress in the world and grow in life, lacking direction, purpose, and action. This means we are out of touch with our capacity for agency, without which we might feel stuck. We lose touch with the ability to materialize what we imagine and desire in our souls into the world.
The masculine qualities (mind) within us create a container for the feminine qualities (heart) find their way out in the world.
Feminine and Masculine Integration
To get a more accurate picture of this dynamic, we must avoid viewing it as linear, meaning that it's not about being in your feminine OR being in your masculine. It's about fluidly, navigating between both aspects of the self throughout different contexts and moments. It's not about "feeling your feelings" or "responding to the world". It's about feeling your feelings and responding accordingly to the world.
When we are too long operating from one pole, loosing the ability to shift and transit between them, we are likely to experience dysfunction, translating to some sort of inner suffering and finding ourselves in toxic dynamics.
The Mature and Immature Aspect of each energy
Each pole, or energy, encompasses its mature and immature traits, its shadow and light. Understanding this helps us grasp the bigger picture and avoid getting stuck in the "good and bad" judgment of ourselves.
Let's take a look at what this means:
It's our mature femininity that can love and accept us completely. The good in us, and the things we are ashamed of and judge in ourselves. The feminine knows that our pain and suffering can lead to our greatest gifts, so it's easier for it not to judge.
Our masculine cannot love and accept unconditionally. The immature masculine is judgemental, while the mature masculine is wise and discerning. The mature masculine builds a healthy ego, and separated sense of self. The masculine is here to change the world, not to accept it.
However, the masculine loves and accept us completely when it is integrated with the feminine in us, to be a whole and complete person, we need both parts: we need to love and accept ourselves completely, as well as, change things within ourselves that stops us from growing and evolving.
Here are some examples of what mature and immature traits look like:
When we are in our mature masculine, our minds are clear and our focus is strong. We use our strength to support others in a loving way. We are certain of the business moves we need to make. Our lives are directional and organized.
When we are in our immature masculine, we may want to control from a place of fear and ego. This can show up as trying to force things. It can look like being overly competitive or aggressive - when conflict arises, we go into fight-or-flight rather than approaching with compassion or reason.
When we are in our mature feminine, we hear and trust our own intuition. We feel into what is right, and surrender to things which aren't working out (instead of trying to force them). We are deeply connected to out bodies, as well as the environment and the people around us. Our emotions are fully felt and freely expressed and shared when we want to. Vulnerability is seen as a strength — a tool of connection to the truth and what is right for us.
When we are in our immature feminine energy, we often feel lost, confused, anxious, overwhelmed, and unable to plan or decide. We seek self-esteem and solutions to our problems externally, often because we don't know how to trust our intuition or love ourselves.
A distorted stereotypical view of the feminine and masculine in our society
When I say that our (especially western) world and society is overly masculine, I'm saying that it's a society that overvalues masculine (yang) traits and tends to see the feminine qualities (yin) as weakness. Notice the amount of dysfunction we experience in our society today.
The feminine in us is a powerful and nurturing energy. It's necessary for the abundance and prosperity of life that we all, both women and men, wish for. It's what makes our lives flourish.
For example, when we don't take the time to feel our feelings, embrace our pain, care for our inner child, and nurture ourselves - qualities of the feminine - we often put other people's needs above our own. We become people-pleasers, seeking love and acceptance from others. This can be observed when we find ourselves in a draining workplaces, unbalanced romantic partnerships, or one-sided friendships. We may see ourselves as a “victim” in our own lives, attracting people around us who are in their immature masculine and who reinforce our negative self-beliefs. This leaves us feeling disempowered.
When we are nurturing and strong in our feminine, we are able to care for ourselves, projects, relationships and pets, in a way that they can grow and flourish.
What we have seen and experienced in society thus far, is mostly an expression of the immature masculine, not the mature masculine, which creates safety and structure.
We've seen over-dominance, aggression, or logic without empathy. We see fear everywhere in the news and social media, we teach our children (especially boys) not to cry or toughen up - to suppress their feelings - perpetuating the expression of the immature masculine throughout generations.
We destroy nature and value logic and competitive careers (such as developers and engineers) over nurturing and intuitive jobs (like teachers and nurses). We numb ourselves with alcohol or antidepressants, disassociating from life, instead of learning to listen to our bodies, intuition, and feelings.
Core energy and finding balance
In principle, it's natural that we feel like we have one main core energy. We might say “I'm a more feminine woman", or “I'm a more masculine man", or “I'm a more masculine woman”, or “I'm a more feminine man". Which just means that you connect more naturally with some aspects of one energy than the other.
What causes you to identify with a certain core energy is not simply because "that's the way you are." It's due to the unconscious adaptations (compensations) of personality you had to make during your childhood (while developing your sense of self) to feel safe and survive in the environment in which you grew up. When we compensate unconsciously in our childhood, it may lead us to shut down some parts of us. These parts are still there, but they just didn't have the space to flourish or the proper guidance to be cultivated.
For example, for most of my life, I operated from a core masculine energy, focusing a lot on doing, proving myself, and giving to others. I had a hard time connecting to my body, relaxing, and receiving from life. One of the reasons that pushed me in that direction was that growing up, I didn't feel it was safe to connect with my feelings and trust others to care for me (aspects of the mature feminine). This led me, in adulthood, to experience burnout at work multiple times and struggle in romantic partnerships.
By leaning in to cultivate the mature feminine in me, connecting to my body and feelings, developing a strengthened sense of self, and grounding in me, I learned to trust, and to receive from others and from life. Therefore, diminishing my need to “achieve” and prove myself to the world (an immature masculine trait).
This allowed me to shift towards more mature masculine aspects in myself and use them to direct and act on paths that are fulfilling for me, instead of for others. It also enabled me to establish boundaries that protect the radiant part of me - my feminine side - which allows me to be creative, relax, and enjoy life.
I repeat: the masculine qualities within us create a container for the feminine qualities find their way out in the world.
👉 We can't act from our mature masculine, if we are disconnected from our mature feminine.
👉 And we can't be in our mature feminine, if we are disconnected from the traits of our mature masculine.
I think it's relevant to mention that there's no such a thing of being 100% of time acting from the mature aspects these poles, because mature and immature doesn't mean good or bad, right or wrong. It encompasses all emotions and states a living human being experience in life.
I hope that today's exploration may help you gain perspective on which pole you've been mostly operating from, and which side of you is asking to be cultivated to allow the unfolding of beautiful growth and evolution within yourself.
Remember that like a magnet, you are a whole containing both energies. Polarity is always seeking the balance of forces that are at play within us. When we don't cultivate them consciously, we compensate unconsciously, which lead us to experience dysfunctional relationships with ourselves and others.
By recognizing and embracing both the Yin (feminine) and Yang (masculine) aspects of one's nature, we acknowledge the need for both stillness and action, introspection and expression.
See you on the next issue, which I will explore the feminine and masculine polarity in relationship dynamics :)
With love,
Nat
P.S.: If you have any thoughts, questions, or just feel like sharing your experience, please do! The point of all this is to create conversations from which we can grow together.