How to build real self-esteem

The confidence trap: you can be self-confident and still feel like crap.

Reading time: 4 minutes

A vomit of honesty: Most part of my life was lived on an endless quest of proving to the world how good I was in a range of things I ventured myself into - especially work. Hearing words that signaled even slightly that my act was not perfect, triggered a wall around me armed with words which only intention was to reveal to the other what they had missed in the equation. I used to worry about what other people thought of me - actually what some people would think of me. Frankly, I still do. I developed a persona that is mostly compassionate and understanding, is never angry, and respond to the world consistently with calm and discernment, on my way to become the buddha itself.

I was self-confident in many ways, but I didn’t have any self-esteem.

As you can see by the words thrown in bulk - with the secret wish you might want to skip the solid paragraph - without self-esteem we submit ourselves to unhealthy dynamics in our relationships, affecting our prospects of forming secure bonds and being prosperous at work.

Here's the catch: most people associate lack of self-esteem with someone who seems insecure, timid, and unsure. But the reality is that people who walk around like they have a king in their belly also score very high in lack of self-esteem. Arrogance is only a disguise of the ego.

It’s not a matter of personality.

Let’s dive in to understand the real difference between self-confidence and self-esteem.

You can be self-confident but still lack self-esteem.

Self-confidence means feeling capable and trusting in your skills and abilities to execute a certain task.

If I’m asked to write a piece for any given purpose on the spot, I will mostly embrace the task with confidence since I’ve been writing like forever. I’ve done this enough times to know where I stand.

But if I write the piece without having cultivated my self-esteem, the first sign that it isn't to the taste of the one who requested it will make me feel like I'm a piece of crap of a person.

Self-esteem is where we anchor our sense of worth, the inner belief in our inherent worth despite any external outcome we produce in the world.

When you don't validate yourself, you need the world to do that for you. You need the other person to affirm your value.

Let’s say I’m asked to write a piece of fiction. For context: I never wrote fiction, and I have no interest in doing so. Without self-esteem, the first critic I get on the piece would make me hear “you are a piece of shit writer, you should never write again”.

But with a strong sense of self-esteem, I will hear the critic and think “yeh, you probably right. Never done this before.” knowing that it doesn’t say anything about me as a person.

Without self-esteem, facing situations we don’t master make us feel embarrassed, doubt our value, and feel inadequate.

But with self-esteem, you sense of worth doesn’t vary according to your ability or lack of it to execute certain task or how people act towards you. Your value isn’t tied to others’ opinions.

Self-esteem doesn’t make you question your own worth in scenarios where you don’t feel self-confident.

Lacking self-esteem means living as if your value depends on being someone different from who you truly are.

But there’s a way around that...

How to build your self-esteem and own your sense of worth no matter what

1. Be radically honest with yourself. To develop a strong sense of self-esteem, we have to start being honest and accepting of all parts of ourselves. The light and the shadow. The ones that would attract much praise, and the ones that are not so polished and not so virtuous.

   Exercise: Practice acknowledging by writing down the parts of yourself you try to hide, what you don’t like about yourself, and the little monsters you carry internally (hey, we all do).

   The magic is when we own our shit, no one can call us out. If they do, we know it's true and it doesn't shake our sense of worth. And if it's not true, it doesn't make us question what we know about ourselves.

2. Create movement in your life. When we are moving, experimenting, trying new things, and growing, we are more likely to appreciate ourselves. We feel we are progressing. We also better trust our ability to deal with the new and unknown. We feel more comfortable with the discomfort. By doing and trying new things, we create a healthier relationship with our own mistakes and flaws.

   Exercise: What can you start doing that puts you in a position of learning and exploration? Starting a personal project? Learning a new skill? Challenge yourself by stepping into new scenarios?

3. Be vigilant with your self-idealization. Who is the person you believe you have to be in the world so that you're perceived as a "good" person, or evolved one? Attempting to present yourself as virtuous is building yourself a trap that will eat you back. Be careful with believing that you have to live up to the standards of your ideal self.

   Exercise: Writing it down helps you to be more aware when you're navigating life from an ideal self perspective and supports you in grounding yourself back to who you are: whole.

What do you want to prove to the world about yourself? The strategies we use to impress the world say a lot about the gaps of self-esteem inside of us.

Owning your inherent worth will change your life (for better)

I don't know if there's a person with "perfect" self-esteem. I surely still have my days when (the lack of it) gets to me.

But what has changed for me, as I started owning myself and needing less validation from others, is that I'm no longer interested in environments where I can't be whole, where I can't be my full self.

When you begin validating all parts of yourself, both the light and the shadow, and acting compassionately toward them, you build genuine self-confidence and self-worth. What naturally follows is a life you truly love.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences with on this.

Have you ever found yourself doubting your worth based on the things you do and how others act towards you? I’ll be honoured to hear your story 💜

With Love,

Nat

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