Loving yourself is not a feeling
What would you do in the following situation?
Imagine you have a 6yo child.
Your child visited his little friend's place twice.
Both times he comes back crying and bitten.
You discuss the issue with his friend's parent. Then, he goes there for the third time.
He comes back crying and hurt once more.
Would you let your child back to his friend's place for the fourth time?
Even if your child wanted to go really badly, would you let him?
This context was presented to me by my therapist 6 months ago. It entirely changed my understanding of what loving yourself means.
"No, I wouldn't," I replied to her.
The child and the adult in us
If I wouldn't allow this to happen with a child of mine, why did I allow it to happen with myself?
You see, inside all of us there's a "child", a part of us who seeks love, acceptance, companionship, praise, and play. But this part of us doesn't always know the right place to find them. Sometimes this part of us insists on trying to get these things from people and places where they are not available.
When the child part in us doesn't find what she was looking for in the people and places she seeks, the instinctive response is to think that she is the problem, that she is not being "good enough." If she only tries harder, then the love, care, and play she seeks will come. This is how the infant part of us reacts to situations. This is a repetition of what some of us experienced in our childhoods.
Also, inside of us, there is another part: "the adult one." The adult part of us has lived life, has more experience and understanding, and can see things from a different perspective.
The adult part of us can do something that the child in us can't: take responsibility. As adults, it's our job to parent the child in us and take care of ourselves, making sure we are healthy, nurtured, and safe.
While the child in us thinks that if she only tries harder next time, she will get the love and recognition, the parent in us knows that this is not true. It's not a matter of performance. It's a matter of boundaries.
The parent will not spend time trying to "understand" the why behind other kids' behavior and exposing the child to it one more time. As a responsible parent, you just say "No, it's enough."
Loving yourself is not a feeling
I spent my entire life trying to understand how loving yourself feels. Is it like when you're madly in love with someone else, but instead with yourself? Is it when you feel like nothing else in the world matters but the connection you have with yourself? Is it bubble baths? Massages and green juice?
I never figured it out really, because it didn't matter the days I was flirting with myself in the mirror—they never lasted long. Also, it didn't matter how many bubble baths and massages I had; I was still allowing myself into shitty situations again and again.
But that day, when my therapist posed that question to me, I finally got it.
Loving yourself is not a feeling, it's a job.
The job of parenting yourself. The commitment of doing what's best for yourself in the long term, even if it leaves you a little upset in the moment, even if it leaves you not feeling good.
Loving yourself is a sign of maturity. It's when you decide to do what's right for you instead of hoping things will be different without evidence that they will.
Loving yourself is the job of protecting the child in you, and giving her what she needs to flourish.
How to love yourself
If we think of ourselves as a child, and think of ourselves as the parent of that child, we wouldn't let our child:
Be around people who hurt her.
Be around friends who bully her or exclude her from playing.
Be in situations where she feels down and not good enough.
Be exposed to constant criticism or negative talk that could undermine her confidence.
Neglect her basic needs like proper nutrition, adequate sleep, or regular exercise.
If we think of ourselves as the parent of a child, we would:
Talk lovingly to her about all the great qualities she has.
Encourage her to take steps towards growth and learning.
Let her play without guilt.
Hold space for her emotionally to let her feelings out.
Nurture her with all the foundational things she needs for developing strongly: correct nutrition, exercising, sleeping, socializing with friendly kids, etc.
I know that many of us didn't have exactly this kind of parenting when we were kids, so it's not such an easy job to do for ourselves when we didn't have a model before. But nonetheless, it's our job as adults: to make sure we parent ourselves well.
The curious thing is that since I began approaching self-love as a job rather than a feeling, I've noticed myself becoming happier and thriving more. My bad days are fewer, and my confidence is growing. My self-doubts, loneliness, and fears are diminishing. This is because my inner child is learning to trust my inner parent more, making her feel less scared overall.
The more we take responsibility for loving ourselves (as a job), the more we trust ourselves and life.
Everything about love
Earlier this year, I was gifted a book "All About Love" by bell hooks.
She defines love as the willingness to put in maximum effort to promote our own spiritual growth or of someone else. She uses “spiritual” in a sense to encompass mind, body, and spirit as one.
The main point of the book is to shift the mindset from love as a feeling to love as an attitude. When we see love as an attitude, we automatically make people using this word responsible and accountable for how they show up, including ourselves.
The bottom line of the learning I want to share today is: not feeling loving towards yourself is not an excuse to not love yourself well. It's your job to act on love towards yourself and care for the child in you.
As you continue to approach self-love as a job rather than just a feeling, you'll find yourself growing stronger, more confident, and more at peace with who you are.
With love,
Nat