One sided relationships
Why giving too much will drain you.
Reading time: 3 minutes
I used to struggle so much with understanding the quality of my relationships.
I didn't know what was a fair relational exchange, I overlooked how much the other person was willing to invest, and it was not unusual for me to be the one giving more than I received.
Which is exactly why my heart sank when I saw this Instagram reel last week. It was so relatable, it was almost like someone was spying on me over the years.
The video shows an animated story of two people who begin a relationship with equal investment. As time passes, one partner starts giving less, causing the other to compensate by giving more. The story ends with the second person left depleted, frustrated, and hurt.
Although the story pictures a romantic relationship, it also brought to my mind friendships and family dynamics I experienced in the past.
At times, we might nurture affection for some people over our lives, which makes us preserve the connection badly, even when there's not a match from the other side.
We will keep showing up for them, doing for them, giving them our energy and space, but something will feel off. It leaves us frustrated, sometimes tired, often disappointed.
A wise question to reflect on relationships I came across lately was:
What if you match their energy?
What if you show up and treat them the same way they show up and treat you?
Upon reflection, I realized some relationships I invested so much effort in would naturally drift away. But I came to see this as positive, as it would free up energy for those who genuinely want to cultivate a meaningful connection with me.
Repeat with me: no more abandoning yourself for others.
Now let’s understand why 👇
When we give more than we receive, we deplete ourselves of energy that is not being replenished.
Every relationship is an exchange. Not necessarily a literal exchange of "I do this for you," "You do this for me." No, this is a transaction. Relationships are built upon emotional and energetic investment.
As social animals, we grow healthier and stronger when we form meaningful connections with people on whom we can rely and trust. But when the energetic investment in the relationship is not proportional from both sides, we end up with exactly the opposite result. This is what we call one-sided relationships.
You know you're in a one-sided relationship when:
When the other person needs you, you're always there for them, but when you need them, they are not there for you.
They reach out to talk about their problems, emotionally dump on you, without much interest in what's going on for you, leaving you drained and tired after the interaction.
You prioritize spending time with them, but you feel unsure if they will prioritize you.
When we give too much, we take away from ourselves.
When we take a closer look at the dynamics and exchanges at play in the relationships we cultivate, we are empowered to show up according to what others are able or willing to offer us, and adjust our expectations accordingly, hopefully redirecting our energy to those who are willing to match our investment.
Maturity is also the understanding of how important it is to have fair exchanges.
Love and prioritize yourself to the point that people not matching your energy trigger repulsion instead of a reaction of you doing more for them.
3 angles to reflect upon if you think you might find yourself in one-sided relationships:
What happens when you match their energy? - Once you start matching others' energy, you'll notice some relationships naturally fade while others grow stronger. This is actually healthy - it helps you identify which connections are truly reciprocal. Pay attention to how you feel when you stop overgiving - if you feel relieved, that's a sign you were carrying too much of the relational weight.
Why do you keep investing in this relationship? - Oftentimes, we might not feel deserving of being loved and cared for. We might struggle with self-worth issues. I know this was true for me in the past. I was afraid of the other person disconnecting from me if I communicated my needs and boundaries.
Check your boundaries - Are you clear about what you need and expect from relationships? Sometimes we give too much because we haven't defined our own limits. Take time to establish what healthy relationships look like for you and communicate these boundaries clearly.
Unfortunately, as a child I learned that I had to work hard for love, a pattern that manifested in many of my relationships later in life.
Over the years, through self-awareness and intentional work, I've learned to align my investment in relationships with what others are willing to reciprocate.
While it was initially painful to see the true nature of some of my relationships, there's a profound freedom in recognizing the truth and adjusting accordingly.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences with one-sided relationships.
Have you ever found yourself giving too much? What resonated most with you from this piece?
I’ll be honoured to hear your story 💜
With love,
Nat
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