How to fall in love
These 36 questions changed my love life
It wasn’t love at first sight when I met my boyfriend.
I was in a beach parking lot, handing out samples for my newly launched smoothie business. I was about to get in the car and go home when my business partner said, “Wait, there are three guys standing by the van… let’s just do one more round and we’re done.”
So, I walked to them and said, “Hi! We’re a new smoothie business in town… would you like to try some samples?” They were excited, they liked the taste, we took photos, we posted on Instagram, and I went home. What I didn’t expect was that my DMs would get busier after that promotional post. But not necessarily because of the smoothies.
The texter (one of the guys of the van) was not only showing up in my DMs, but as if by magic, he seemed to be everywhere I went in town. After a few weeks of multiple “coincidences,” or better said, pursuit, he finally asked me on a date.
He was fun, cool to talk to, and I felt physically attracted to him. He was kind and attentive, but after a month seeing each other, I told him, “Don’t expect anything from me, I only want to be friends.”
Something about him didn’t quite click: he clearly expressed his intentions, he was very communicative, and he was available at all times. He was different from anyone else I had dated before. Which made my brain get to the obvious conclusion: I have to run away.
Over the following months, it was a cat-and-dog game. He continued to text me, somewhat a bit intense for someone who was a friend. I continued to hang out and surf with him, somewhat confusing for someone who is not interested. Occasionally, he would drop in a “joke” about wanting to be in a relationship with me, and I would become meaner over time, saying things that would break his heart, in an attempt to push him away.
“I’m being honest, I don’t feel anything for him”, I said to a friend one day who insisted that we would be great together.
I thought my friends were crazy, and I started to get really annoyed with them. “How come they don’t see me? How come they don’t listen to me? I don’t feel anything and I cannot make myself feel things if I don’t!”
One day, months after that first date, I am in a therapy session when my therapist stops me in my tracks: “Wait, Nathalia, I think there might be something to look at here. You keep mentioning this person, but you say you’re not interested. Your actions and words don’t seem to line up. Do you think we should take a closer look at this?”
“No! For the last time, I’m telling you: I don’t feel anything for him. Just leave it,” I replied to her and moved on.
Just after that session, out of the blue, he texts me saying that he’d be picking me up on Friday for a surprise weekend trip. My first thought was: “Are you crazy? Why the hell do you think I’m going on a trip with you?”
My second thought was: “You know what... this just might be the perfect opportunity to show my friends and my therapist that I’m not unwilling! I will be able to finally prove to everyone that even though we’ll spend all this time together, I still can’t connect with him.”
To fall in love with anyone, do this
I was committed to proving it hard. So much so, that a few weeks back, I had come across a New York Times article called To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This.
The article talked about a study made in the ‘90s by a couple of psychologists about a series of experiments that resulted in 36 questions that were said to foster intimacy, closeness, and love between people. “If a science-backed experiment can’t make me have feelings, nothing can,” I thought.
As we were driving to our weekend destination, I casually said, “Hey, do you want to play a game? I found these questions online and we can kill time on the road,” hiding the intentions of my scientific experiment. And so, for the next two hours, we went through each one of the 36 questions one by one, alternating answers. When we arrived at the destination, I was proud: “See, I was right all along… I’m still not in love.”
Unfortunately for my ego, things had changed when he dropped me home two days later.
How I kept myself safe from love
Years ago, before I met him, I made an unconscious decision: love is not safe. Relationships became somewhat of a game to me, one that as long as I didn’t allow myself to feel, I would be okay.
Of course, I wasn’t aware of that at the time. If you had asked me, I would tell you that I genuinely wanted to connect with someone at a deeper level, find companionship, love. But in practice…
I would ask prospects all the deep questions, silently analyzing their patterns, their traumas, showing up as the “emotionally aware and conscious,” but deep down what it actually gave me was a sense of control. As long as I knew all about them, and they knew enough about me, I was safe.
But during that two-hour drive to an unknown destination, I got distracted. The questions nudged me toward what I had resisted this entire time: to be seen.
In between harmless questions like “what would you save if your house caught fire?”, and “Would you like to be famous?”, there were questions that revealed parts of ourselves we don’t always want to be in contact with, “What is your most terrible memory?”, “How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?”, and “Complete this sentence: ‘I wish I had someone with whom I could share...’.”
For those who decide that love is not safe, the real fear isn’t betrayal or being hurt. It’s that, if it does break, it will sound too familiar. As if it were only confirming something we’ve known for a long time. That it was never meant for us in the first place.
So I stayed guarded. Until those questions caught me off guard.
I didn’t see it coming
The questions didn’t make me fall in love, but they opened a door to let love pass through. I wasn’t just being seen. I was also seeing him. I entered his mind, but this time I left the psychotherapist’s glasses and notebook outside. I listened to how he thought, what shaped him, what he valued.
Those conversations kept unfolding throughout the weekend. By the time I was back home, I felt attached, something I only realized after he had left, when I began to miss him.
What those two-hour car ride taught me was that real connection isn’t made of sparks at first sight but of willingness to enter someone else’s inner world while inviting them into yours.
It seems that the science people know something, after all.
Warmly,
Nat
36 questions to fall in love
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling...”
Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share...”
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
Share an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Then, ask your partner to reflect on how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Tell me, I'm curious: What's one way you protect yourself from being truly seen? Or have you ever pushed someone away because they felt too safe?
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Inspiring questions
Thank you Nathalia for this beautiful article. I have to say your words resonated with me. I am scared to fall in love again in case I get hurt or left, I’ll work on it.