I used to hate small talk until this changed my perspective

You say you want deep conversations, but do you offer depth?

Jun 29, 2025

Estimated Reading time: 6 minutes

"I can't find good connections. People are shallow and they bore me. I want deep conversations and friendships. I'm tired of all this chit-chatting."

I wish I could tell you I heard this from someone else, but it was me saying this until a few years ago.

At that time, I used to think that I was a "deep" person. I loved diving into philosophy, psychology, and everything about the meaning of life. Conversations around what to wear, things to buy, recipes to cook, and talks about the weather bored me to death.

Here's the part I'm ashamed to admit but I have to disclose for the purpose of this piece: I used to think that not being interested in chatting about casual everyday life made me better than most people.

It took me a good few years struggling to connect with people in the ways I craved to realize they were never the problem.

Here's something else I learned that helped me solve many relational struggles I had in my life:

If you keep experiencing the same problem with multiple people… then the problem is not the other people.

The common factor in this equation is you. You're either stuck in a set of inaccurate beliefs around how something is supposed to be. Or you're behaving in ways that keep attracting certain kinds of people and/or situations.

Either way, it starts with you.

Today I will share some lessons I had about connecting with people and making friends, that made me more humble, more open, and more curious.

I didn't know what to talk about with people in my day-to-day

7 years ago I left Brazil with no plan where I'd go. I traveled a bit and ended up in a little village in Portugal.

When I was traveling, I loved to meet new people every day. I felt like everyone was so interesting, they had so much to share, and the conversations were always "deep". They shared their story, what mattered to them, where they were going, their dreams, their ideas, the things they were against, their lessons... there was so much material in every conversation.

But the thing was… 99% of the people I met while traveling I never saw more than once or twice in my life.

Then, I landed in this tiny village. And I discovered a problem I didn't know I had: What do I talk about with the same people I encounter almost every other day?

We're not friends, but we're not unknown to each other. After a few encounters I kind of already know where they came from, what they're up to, and what they're looking forward to. I might even know how they feel about their work, family, or hobbies. So, the question became: What is left to say?

Here's a second confession: I used to hate small talk so much that I would literally hide and change my route on the street if I saw a familiar-but-not-quite-friend coming from a distance.

At some point, I realized I could not continue living like that anymore. After all, I wanted to connect with people and make more friends, so what could I do to change this?

Well, if you know me well enough by now, you know where I find the answers to almost all my problems: books. (links at the end)

The perspective shift that made me enjoy small talk

Think of a close friend or a family member of yours. I bet that there are times you share with each other the most pressing matters of your soul, and there are times you're in silence just enjoying the presence of the other person.

Talking is not required because you're comfortable in each other's presence. You know them, trust them, and just having the person around is enough for you to feel connected.

When you haven't built trust, understanding and connection with someone yet, silence can feel awkward. And that's when chit-chatting comes in.

Small talk is the bridge for connection.
Silence is for close friends what small talk is for people you're still discovering. It’s a way to enjoy each other's presence.

"Ok, great. But I still can't get deep conversations and I don't know what to talk about... how does this help me?" you might be thinking.

I'll tell you what helped me enjoy conversations and feel confident talking with anyone at any time. First, though, I believe that the meaning we give to things forms the foundation of how we relate to them and determines our motivation (or lack thereof) to put effort into them.

So, for me, understanding that small talk is a bridge to connection helped me find the right motivation to implement the next steps I’m going to tell you about.

You want deep conversations, but do you offer depth?

What do you tell people when they ask you: "Hey, how are you doing?"

Let me guess... "Good", "Fine"?

This is how I used to answer that question: "Good, what about you?", and then the other person would say "good too". The silent awkwardness would kick in, I wanted to disappear because I didn't know what to say anymore, and I reaffirmed the belief of how much I hated chit-chatting.

What do you say when people ask you: "Hey, how was your weekend?"

Let me guess... "Good, just chilling", "Oh, nothing special, you know, cleaning, Netflix..."?

That was me too.

The only thing I never realized until I started diving into my research of how to talk to people was that I complained about them not offering me deep answers, but I wasn't doing a better job at it either.

If you want something from others, why not start by offering it yourself?

The first thing you have to know is that people WANT to have interesting and deep conversations as much as you do, but we all need a starting point when we haven't built a solid friendship yet.

BE THE STARTING POINT.

When people ask you the common greeting questions, instead of giving a short answer, tell them a story.

Just share whatever comes to your mind, to give them material to follow up with you.

For example, if you and I crossed paths today and you asked me "hey, how are you doing?"

The past me would say: "I'm good, and you?"

The current me would say: "I'm good, I'm enjoying the quiet day today because yesterday I had such a social day. And I'm not really used to it. I went to the opening of the new collective studio in the morning... have you heard about it? It's so nice, I loved the brands there, I think they align so well with each other, the danger is that if you're a client of one brand, you'll definitely want to buy from the other brands too! So cute."

Do you see what I did? I didn't necessarily talk about myself, and you didn't ask about what I did yesterday, but I shared enough material for you to follow up on what's interesting for you, and eventually we discover a common ground that can lead us into more interesting and personal topics.

In this example, you could follow up from so many different angles:

About how you also feel tired, or on the opposite, energized, by social events, and how you relate to it.
About asking which brands were there, and share more about the brands and styles you're into or not.
About how nice it is/or not nice that the village has been growing in the last years, and how you feel about the development of it, and we can share our perspectives and experiences about it.

The point is, my interactions with people changed entirely when I realized that it was on me, not on them, to lay out the quality of the conversations I wanted to have.

I said that you can share any story that comes to your mind, but what you can also do—and what I do sometimes—is to prepare in advance. If I know I will have a social event to attend, I take a moment to recap in my cell notes what I've been up to in the last week or so, things that caught my attention, or interesting bits I can share in conversations.

Chit chatting helps you to build a sense of familiarity and community

I was also surprised to learn that chit-chatting is one of the main factors that help us to create a sense of belonging.

Esfahani Smith writes in her book, "The Power of Meaning: The True Route to Happiness," that sense of belonging is one of the four pillars to cultivate a sense of happiness in our lives. And she says that belonging is more than having deep, long-term relationships.

What creates a sense of community around us is the frequent, positive, everyday interactions we have with others—like the people who work at the coffee shop you visit regularly, your neighbors, or the old lady at the local market.

I know that one of the things I like the most about living in a small village is the sense of familiarity I have around me. With all the instability we see in the world nowadays, seeing the same people in the same places, and knowing that I'm known by them gives me a certain sense of predictability and safety.

These chit chats we have aren't just filler, they're constantly affirming my presence and the other person who I cross paths with, and even though we might never be close enough to become friends, it reminds us that we matter to others in community.

More to come: How to make friends as an adult

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that connection takes work. We live in a world where people expect to magically connect with others, like finding love at first sight. I was one of these people. But openness, curiosity, and genuine interest in others demand effort and energy, and it's so worthwhile.

The truth is, it will often take more than a few encounters to turn someone into a friend. That's actually the next part of this story I want to explore with you. The specific strategies that helped me build real friendships as an adult, beyond just improving conversations.

What resonated most with you from today's piece? And would you find it helpful if I shared what I learned about making friends as an adult?

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