Haha this year I’ve learned how to ask questions, but not how to talk about myself in conversations. I tend to answer things like : “How was your weekend?” with something like: “It was good AND YOU ? Did YOU end up going to that festival?” I rarely talk about myself, or about small talk that include me, I use questions as a way to shift attention away from me….
As a result… I tend to attract people who love talking about themselves but don’t really care much about me, or at least, only halfway.
Reading your article made me realize I should learn to share more instead of spending my life handing the mic to others. Being a great listener is one thing, but knowing how to speak up, that’s an added strength 🤞🏽
Ohh i totally feel you! I used to do this so much, as an introvert, 90% of my friends are very extroverted people 😂 but always giving the mic to others made me feel insecure with people who I didn’t knew - what if they were good talking about themselves?? So I avoided it.
I love your reflection about taking back the mic of your life 🧡🧡
Great post! I used to be much the same I must admit, but have since reframed these small chit chats as connection points indeed - small bridges towards potential friendships or lasting contacts. There are so many conversational pivots we can make, all it takes is for one of them to click… sometimes you never truly click, but as you so aptly say, these little moments are reminders that we do matter.
I'm constantly reminded of the value of storytelling. I love the suggestion to use stories during smalltalk to foster connections. Stories have such a powerful effect on us and are so easy to felate to.
Now I just need to remember to tell some stories when I'm in a small-talk situation (I might take your tip about preparing stories in advance onboard - it actually sounds like a really solid atomic habit to use for building the storytelling mental muscle!)
you're so right. Storytelling is the key for connection. i have to say that taking the habit to prepare for small talks, definitely made me feel more confident and helped me connect better with people. I hope it works for you too :)
Late to the party on this one, but I absolutely loved this peace. I have always struggled with small talk, specifically because I usually choose to enclose myself in a shell when speaking isn't necessary. This has lead to strained friendships and relationships, and is something that I wish to address. This article has opened my eyes to how small talk can be easy and comfortable.
I feel you. I used to struggle with small talk a lot too, and also led me to enclose myself to avoid the discomfort. For me, it became a pratice. It’s something I’m learning better everyday, and I can only testify how it helped me enjoy to be around people. There are days that I still choose to “shut down” haha don’t have the energy. But now it’s a choice I make, not the default response.
I’m glad you found this helpful! Thank you for your comment 💛
I related 100% with this article. It’s easier to blame everything and everyone else, but the truth is that of we want something different, it has to start with us. And the changing mind was the click I needed to read. Tks for sharing this :)
The small talk I don’t like is the kind when people are being courteous just going through the motions and have no interest in talking more. Or when they are using it as a lead in to brag about something in their life and have no interest in hearing what you have to say.
Those cases of small talk few like feeding an energy vampire.
Small talk is difficult to me often because I don’t know the questions to ask. I’ve gotten better about asking questions that will make people open up past the weather and general niceties .
I'm totally with you on that. Energy drainer for sure. And yeh, improving the kind of questions we ask def helps a lot to have better conversations. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Priscilla!
i also felt the same way, that deep convo makes me feel.. superior. somehow.
reading this, it was very much needed for me. i’m struggling to blend with my new family (my stepdad’s) and i have social anxiety! it’s very bad for me so maybe one day, if i have the opportunity to meet them again in an event, i’ll somehow improve… i hope.
Oh, thanks for making me feel I was not alone on that. hehe
Yes, baby steps always :)
I think that for me, anxiety comes a lot from not knowing what to say, or how to deal with unexpected circumstances. So, whenever I prepare in advance for improv small talk it really helps.
Thank you so much for this amazing text. I’ve always struggled with chitchat because I also felt that people didn’t bring much to the table. It was until I find out conversations are not just input, output; people give what they receive. If my answers are vague, you’ll internalize that awkwardness and distance, so your questions will be too. The truth is, I’m just starting to open up and practicing the true art of small talk, and I’m actively trying to learn it through these type of content. I always recommend to my friends both episodes on the Spotify channel “DOAC” with Vanessa Van Edward’s, the body language expert. Such a great host.
Hey Nat, loved your text and I could 100% relate. I've always longed for interactions that goes beyond the shallowness or awkwardness of small talk, but I've always waited for it to be initiated by the other person, especially because I never knew what to say or how to approach them. But I've been changing this perspective (especially recently). Will definitely check out the books you recommended :) What part of Brazil are you from?
Yeh, I think lots of avoiding comes from not having the tools to deal with situations that might not feel natural to us. Those books definitely helped to acquire some! I'm from Fortaleza :)
I mean to be fair, I find it insufferable when people talk over and over about sports and exes and annoying family members. Stuff like that, stuff that I'm just straight-up not interested in hearing about.
But I was just like you and I too realized the problem could be solved by my getting better at talking to people. I give better answers to questions now and ask more questions of others. It generally leads to better conversation - and, to my pleasant surprise, often leads to deeper topics anyway.
I feel you Justin ☺️ it’s also good to know that I’m not alone. I have to confess that I still struggle at times with small talk, but just like you said, I learned my lesson, and I have to give the proper space for meaningful conversations to unfold. Thank you for letting me know that this piece resonated with you 🙏
Haha this year I’ve learned how to ask questions, but not how to talk about myself in conversations. I tend to answer things like : “How was your weekend?” with something like: “It was good AND YOU ? Did YOU end up going to that festival?” I rarely talk about myself, or about small talk that include me, I use questions as a way to shift attention away from me….
As a result… I tend to attract people who love talking about themselves but don’t really care much about me, or at least, only halfway.
Reading your article made me realize I should learn to share more instead of spending my life handing the mic to others. Being a great listener is one thing, but knowing how to speak up, that’s an added strength 🤞🏽
Ohh i totally feel you! I used to do this so much, as an introvert, 90% of my friends are very extroverted people 😂 but always giving the mic to others made me feel insecure with people who I didn’t knew - what if they were good talking about themselves?? So I avoided it.
I love your reflection about taking back the mic of your life 🧡🧡
It used to be a fan of deep talks, but this days I realised that it’s better for my brain to keep them small.
Great post! I used to be much the same I must admit, but have since reframed these small chit chats as connection points indeed - small bridges towards potential friendships or lasting contacts. There are so many conversational pivots we can make, all it takes is for one of them to click… sometimes you never truly click, but as you so aptly say, these little moments are reminders that we do matter.
Love this. Yeh, what you said is also true: sometimes you never fully click. But that's ok too. :)
I'm constantly reminded of the value of storytelling. I love the suggestion to use stories during smalltalk to foster connections. Stories have such a powerful effect on us and are so easy to felate to.
Now I just need to remember to tell some stories when I'm in a small-talk situation (I might take your tip about preparing stories in advance onboard - it actually sounds like a really solid atomic habit to use for building the storytelling mental muscle!)
you're so right. Storytelling is the key for connection. i have to say that taking the habit to prepare for small talks, definitely made me feel more confident and helped me connect better with people. I hope it works for you too :)
I wish I could update my comment right about now - that's a hilariously bad typo I made there 😅
Honestly, I love when I read weird typos. It reassures me that I'm talking to real people instead of robots 😁 haha
I want to highlight everything— this is so good! I'll work on myself more;)
Late to the party on this one, but I absolutely loved this peace. I have always struggled with small talk, specifically because I usually choose to enclose myself in a shell when speaking isn't necessary. This has lead to strained friendships and relationships, and is something that I wish to address. This article has opened my eyes to how small talk can be easy and comfortable.
I feel you. I used to struggle with small talk a lot too, and also led me to enclose myself to avoid the discomfort. For me, it became a pratice. It’s something I’m learning better everyday, and I can only testify how it helped me enjoy to be around people. There are days that I still choose to “shut down” haha don’t have the energy. But now it’s a choice I make, not the default response.
I’m glad you found this helpful! Thank you for your comment 💛
I related 100% with this article. It’s easier to blame everything and everyone else, but the truth is that of we want something different, it has to start with us. And the changing mind was the click I needed to read. Tks for sharing this :)
Thank you for your words Hiromi 🥹 I think it always start with us. But it's hard to see exactly what and how sometimes. Thank you for reading!
The small talk I don’t like is the kind when people are being courteous just going through the motions and have no interest in talking more. Or when they are using it as a lead in to brag about something in their life and have no interest in hearing what you have to say.
Those cases of small talk few like feeding an energy vampire.
Small talk is difficult to me often because I don’t know the questions to ask. I’ve gotten better about asking questions that will make people open up past the weather and general niceties .
I'm totally with you on that. Energy drainer for sure. And yeh, improving the kind of questions we ask def helps a lot to have better conversations. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Priscilla!
Great post. I am most definitely the problem lol.
i also felt the same way, that deep convo makes me feel.. superior. somehow.
reading this, it was very much needed for me. i’m struggling to blend with my new family (my stepdad’s) and i have social anxiety! it’s very bad for me so maybe one day, if i have the opportunity to meet them again in an event, i’ll somehow improve… i hope.
baby steps right?
Oh, thanks for making me feel I was not alone on that. hehe
Yes, baby steps always :)
I think that for me, anxiety comes a lot from not knowing what to say, or how to deal with unexpected circumstances. So, whenever I prepare in advance for improv small talk it really helps.
Thank you so much for this amazing text. I’ve always struggled with chitchat because I also felt that people didn’t bring much to the table. It was until I find out conversations are not just input, output; people give what they receive. If my answers are vague, you’ll internalize that awkwardness and distance, so your questions will be too. The truth is, I’m just starting to open up and practicing the true art of small talk, and I’m actively trying to learn it through these type of content. I always recommend to my friends both episodes on the Spotify channel “DOAC” with Vanessa Van Edward’s, the body language expert. Such a great host.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1AR5ux6bqOhA62YOOL64tz?si=Uz7GduDLR7qV6y3R6gEjOw
Ohh I love Vanessa! She is so great. Yeh, I also learned a lot from these episodes. Such good insights! Thank you for sharing the link ☺️☺️
Hey Nat, loved your text and I could 100% relate. I've always longed for interactions that goes beyond the shallowness or awkwardness of small talk, but I've always waited for it to be initiated by the other person, especially because I never knew what to say or how to approach them. But I've been changing this perspective (especially recently). Will definitely check out the books you recommended :) What part of Brazil are you from?
Yeh, I think lots of avoiding comes from not having the tools to deal with situations that might not feel natural to us. Those books definitely helped to acquire some! I'm from Fortaleza :)
I see myself in this piece completely.
I mean to be fair, I find it insufferable when people talk over and over about sports and exes and annoying family members. Stuff like that, stuff that I'm just straight-up not interested in hearing about.
But I was just like you and I too realized the problem could be solved by my getting better at talking to people. I give better answers to questions now and ask more questions of others. It generally leads to better conversation - and, to my pleasant surprise, often leads to deeper topics anyway.
I feel you Justin ☺️ it’s also good to know that I’m not alone. I have to confess that I still struggle at times with small talk, but just like you said, I learned my lesson, and I have to give the proper space for meaningful conversations to unfold. Thank you for letting me know that this piece resonated with you 🙏