Re-evaluating friendships - Who are your people, really?

and the friendship spectrum

Reading time: 4min30s

Hi, I'm Nat and I write "Dear Self," documenting the emotional journey of peeling back the layers to become who we are. I share my journey with hopes that it can inspire you to grow more connected, confident, and in love with yourself.

Maybe it's the Zeitgeist or it's just me getting old, but lately the topic of friendships has been popping up over and over in the conversations I have with different people around me.

More specifically, the topic of re-evaluating friendships.

Questions like:

• Is this friendship still aligned with who I am?

• Do they consider me as a friend in the same way I consider them?

• Has this friendship expired?

• What is a good friend?

The impact of friendships in our lives

It's not new that cultivating friendships is an important factor for a meaningful life. It gives us a sense of belonging, connection, and support for the ups and downs of life.

The friendships we have also shape who we are in certain ways. They can influence how we see life, ourselves, and how we direct and go through events in our lives. We are way more influenced by the environment around us than we would like to think.

That's why it's not uncommon (actually, it is very healthy and necessary) that as we grow personally and become more confident in who we are and what we want, we start re-evaluating if the people around us are aligned with our sense of self and the direction we want to go.

It's not really a matter of cutting ties but of re-aligning expectations

Unlike romantic relationships, where it's all or nothing (for most people at least), friendships happen on a spectrum, and being clear on what this spectrum means for you is essential to understand where each person sits in your life.

I think that many disappointments and frustrations we have in friendships are less about them not showing up for us, and more about us having the wrong expectations about what kind of friendship it is.

Last year, I experienced a conflicted situation with a friend.

I could understand where they were coming from, but at the same time, it made me feel like I couldn't be my fully self around them.

I spent days feeling bad and ruminating over it. It really took my peace away.

Until one day, when I was talking on the phone with my mom and sharing with her how I was feeling, I said:

"I feel so sad, mom, because I really consider this person one of my closest friends…"

And before I could finish the sentence, she threw at me:

"And do they consider you one of their closest friends?"

A moment of silence. I stopped breathing for a second. My brain froze.

A reaction that pretty much revealed the answer to that question.

“I don’t know really..”, I replied to my mom after my brain came back to normal.

And that was the moment I realized that I was putting them in places where they didn't belong, and probably they didn't even want to be there.

When I think about my closest friends, I don't even have to think if they consider me a close friend. I just know it in my bones.

I wanted so badly to have that kind of friend that I just assigned places to people around me without letting them earn it.

I wasn’t aware of my friendship spectrum.

What the friendship spectrum can look like?

I see it less like a straight line (think of closest to farthest from me) and more like circles of contexts.

For example:

→ There are people you call anytime (maybe even in the middle of the night) because you're having an anxiety crisis, and you know that if they have their phone, they will pick it up.

→ There are people you have enriching conversations with. You are comfortable being fully yourself, vulnerable, and you leave feeling lifted up from your interactions, which can range from talking bullshit to discussing the depths of the heart and life's challenges.

→ There are people you have shared interests with and you bond over conversations or experiences around that topic.

→ There are people you hang out with because it's fun, they are nice, you enjoy the entertainment, and it feels good to detach from your own mind once in a while.

This is my raw version of a friendship spectrum I made sense of over the years, and for you it can look different from this.

I want to make clear that the intention it’s NOT of putting people in boxes but more of knowing what to expect from different people and friendships.

I know how important gaining this perspective was for me. Before, I used to be so open and vulnerable with almost anyone, which led me to believe they were in the same place as me. I would constantly feel disappointed with people, when it was mostly my own misperception of the relationships.

People can also move their place in the spectrum over time. Sometimes a friendship that starts over shared interests can become the person you reach out to for deep conversations.

And other times, people who you once had a deep, connected friendship with start to feel distant or disconnected in the moment of life you find yourself in. I think we don't talk enough about how hard it is to grieve friendships.

Are we priotiziting the right people?

What I sense in the conversations that I’m having is that as we get older, we have less time, availability, and energy to nurture all the connections in all areas of the spectrum of connections - so the question is: Are we prioritizing the ones that make the most sense for us?

In this edition, I wrote about an experiment I started at the beginning of the year of showing up for people the same way they show up for me, giving my energy and attention to others in the same way they give to me. And it was eye-opening.

I noticed that there were people who actively sought me out to check in, spend time, and have talks… while I also noticed how much I directed my energy to people who were rarely available.

What makes a good friendship?

I won't say that there's a one-size-fits-all answer to this. But I think there are key elements that I notice repeating in every good friendship I have and in others. And these elements are:

• Vulnerability and openness: A lot is talked about vulnerability, but I think the best description for this word is its origin. Vulnerability means truth. I notice that both parties feel comfortable sharing the truth about what is going on in their lives and how they truly feel.

• Trust and respect: For one to be vulnerable, there is a trust that you’ll be seen and validated by the other person. It doesn’t mean that they will agree with all you share, but there’s trust you’ll be respected and not used against you.

• Enriching conversations: Either because of your personalities, background, interests, or way of thinking about life. Talking to this person, whether about surface-level daily events or deep topics, makes you feel like you become a better person for having them around you.

I could summarize it by saying that a good relationship — any relationship — is one where you feel seen.

__________

One thing you should have in mind: if you find yourself reflecting on your friendships and how, or if, they make sense to you, congratulations! This is huge.

While it can be painful to realize that some bonds aren't what they used to be - or aren’t what you thought they were - this realization shows that you're becoming more grounded in who you are.

We can only have this kind of discernment and reflection when we know who we are, our values, what we want of our relationships, and the direction we’re giving to our lives.

So, good job! I’m proud of you :)

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences with on this.

Have you ever found yourself re-evaluating your friendships? How did it go for you?

With Love,

Nat